She is an engineer, and he has been preparing her for a long time by talking to her about homosexuality, and the stigma, and he says she understands and even talks about it in her village in West Bengal. He says he genuinely loves his wife, and wouldn’t let go of her. And sometimes for the sake of other things, a partner could choose to overlook. Religion, and hope, and the complex ways of sexuality often lead them to believe that things would change, and they can function as a couple. My joy is also important.”Īround the world thousands of women are married to men who have or have had sex with men. It is the dual relationships which are the dark spaces of my life. He had 108 beloveds, and it was all unconventional, and out of what the society would have considered normal,” he says. “Because the great black clouds represent the barriers between the societal and personal zone. “Ever wondered why these clouds are there? Why did the artist draw them?” he asks, and then ventures to answer.
He talks about a painting of a scene from mythology where Radha is trying to hold Krishna’s flute, and there are great black clouds overhead. Now he lives in Delhi where he is an artist.
He could love openly, and without fear of being judged. The he traveled when he grew up to other countries where he saw the barriers break down between personal and societal zones. In college at Shantiniketan, he had girlfriends, and he had closed door encounters with men. When he was a little child growing up in an old Kolkata household with dozens of family members, his grandmother would tell him tales of heaven and hell, and the inherent concept of sacrifice, and selfless love. I am split, and I can love others deeply too.” Talking over the phone he admits “this life of duality hurts sometimes.” He says “It is trauma, but they are little joys. At least, he says, he was trying to keep the urges down. Now in his late 30s, he says for two years in his marriage, he had tried to be loyal, and forgo his orientation which he refers to as bisexuality. True, it was arranged by his father who was unwell, and wished his son to be married, but it was for a whole set of other complex reasons, including a hope in the layered ambiguities of sexuality, and love, and companionship.
The marriage was not just for convenience, or for an alibi. She was easygoing, and he told her many secrets during the first few months but not about his bisexuality. He married his wife at his father’s behest, and he had liked her. Between the home land, and the adopted land of his parents, and between expectations, and his own reality.Īnd the author said - “I am who I am and that's who I am.” The Ukranian author Nikolai Gogol’s name was also the name of the character in Jhumpa Lahiri’s novel The Namesake. He wouldn’t give his name, but offers Gogol as a pseudonym. He also has trysts with men, passionate encounters but then comes back to his wife. On some rainy afternoons, he likes to hold his wife’s hands and watch the drops shatter on the ground.